When I had the flu really bad my kids did too and I still had to take care of everybody. a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read, Tell me about it..My husband lacks sympathy for me and the kids, His entertainment comes before anything else, They take as much as they can for as long as we allow it, Yes Dear Dede sadly we do know of that you speak:), https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/empathy-and-adhd. He is loved by many, not evil. We want to hear your story. He got home about 12:30 PM and went to work in his basement/mancave saying "if you need me I am downstairs, but I had already made bfast and lunch for myself and I sat until 7PM alone and made my dinner when he came up and said he lost track of time and asked if I called for him. I have learned to compartmentalize my life and he is 20% of it now. This has been a transformation in more ways than one. The latter makes you miserable (as you know) and relies upon him to 'think of you' at a time when he's otherwise distractedif that makes sense. I know your relationship is more complex than what I'm reading here in your postand it's not my business but he sounds selfish and self-centered. And that was just with a scratchy throat. And, when I'm not 100%, then he's not being cared for. I see we are out of aspirin and ask him if he knows of any in the house. I think the explanation for her behavior lies in a few traits from her background: Latina with history of macho men in her past. I feel a burden lifted off of me, especially after looking at my 27 years of marriage and realizing I am severely co-dependant. But if I need or expect something maybe not so much because it wont register as now/love but as someone upset whether the upsetedness is valid or not. The unfinished projects and dreams. Otherwise she knows that I will go down and get whatever I want. That is my story for anyone that can benefit from it. That's just great! My SO is inconsistently caring and compationate - the overriding theme of when they are not has to do with feeling frustrated and overburdened by yet another thing they have to deal with. 50K views, 259 likes, 10 loves, 511 comments, 68 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Dr. Phil: He Eats a Raw Animal Meat Diet #rawmeat #DrPhil #talkshow Do you always expect your wife to cook everything? Well, yes, I have an Autoimmune condition that causes it. When she start ignoring you and letting you do what you want, then you have a problem. Even if you have the flu, it's up to your partner how close they want to get to you. To us I should say. How would you like her to act? Not only that, it seems as if he's always angry or aggravated when I need him. I would blame him for screwing up mine. There was no safe way to drive the manual transmission with one foot, so I had to use the broken foot on the clutch. Barf and poop, rehydrate, and take care of yourself. Boy did we cry. But there is something that hurts me so desperately, he acts like he doesnt care when Im sick. I have an illness. It was like neither of us care that we were damaging our marriage. Submitted by vabeachgal on Sun, 04/16/2017 - 10:08. My husband believes he's Mr. Fix-It, and can fix anything. Kathy woke-up startled to hear her phone ring so at 5 am. Hi. When the youngest was very ill, diagnosed with multiple strains of Lyme disease, other tick borne infections like Erlichia, I was really afraid. My wife wants to be left alone, and I mean ALONE. Become a Mighty contributorhere. It always boils down to me getting sick on purpose! A well spouses support and encouragement can help a partner stay on track, but this new role can also trigger frustration on both sides. If there's not arguments over dumb shit then something is wrong. I pretend I am single and take care of me and my home for me. Some of the scorn heaped upon ADHDers by their non-ADHD partners must CERTAINLY be readable in their partner's body languageeven if their partner is trying to be nice. We don't have kids yet. And my mother ( the other one with ADHD who I got it from? I, ME, MINE!! I feel like crap so I have no plans of running errands. You don't want to marry a man with kids, trust me. Award-winning bookBuy paperbackBuy KindleBuy audiobookFree chaptersMore info, I just got back from a trip and most likely caught a cold from someone on the plane ride home. I really appreciate your insight. When my husband started his first affair, I WAS a good woman. What does it take to stop running into these types of people? I decided then to leave. If you ever became terminal, he would run for the hills. NOTHING HELPED. Its an open concept house and he's painted the walls all different colors, but again, half done. And I also have to include.I have a very low toleranceto this kind of behavior!! I really would like some aspirin now and not in 5 hours! He hates the snow. I am sorry for your situation. His answer,"Something you enjoy. Yeah, I remember when she was sick and I was doing everything for her as I just let her rest. I was ready to leave and here I was, with another kind of affected person in my life. Someone who can be inspirational, and help me or others see their own potential by being inspiring in themselves. But know that people can take a while to be retrained to react differently. I do not think I will see a lasting change because myspousewith ADD is alwaysout for himself. She was in her second semester of college and was busy with school and work. Should also consider the stress my wife is dealing with at work. Well, to be frank, that will vary from person to person as we all display love in different ways. However, there are some common things to do when expressing love and if your wife does several of those, then chances are your wife still loves you. Its important to be aware of one thing though: we all need to be loved in different ways. But don't be the version of youthat is currentlyin his face. Of course, I got no help from him with ANYTHING for the 6 weeks my foot was in the cast. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. I was "out of commission" for 6 weeks. Nothing builds or sticks over the years. I do agree with you. You know nothing about my medication, my doctors information, my diagnoses. Even worse when these DisneyDaddys, lol are looking for a life partner, the first thing that they rub on your face is the: my kids come first b.s. When he arrived, he did not hug me, ask how I was, or show ANY CARE. Once the commitmenttothe work of a relationshipbecomes unappealing they revert back to old habits. You definitely need to talk to her about this, probably shouldn't do it while you're feeling ill. He came home from work at 9pm and I said I was throwing up and had terrible stomach cramps etc. Sign #12: He Doesnt Pay For Anything. I guess it could be that old saying of, 'Whatever you fear you create". I had to pay out of pocket to see a naturopathic doctor trained by ILADS(it is the best training for Lyme disease and tick borne infections treatment.) So I've (40m) been married ten years now and I love my wife (40f), but she has the most annoying behavior pattern whenever I am sick. H's definition of love is thisafter I asked him "What does love mean to you?" All I can say is wow. He love bombed me too. It tends to be E>S in females, and S>E in males, and S>E in ADHD regardless of gender. Friday afternoon he gets home from work and goes to Submitted by 1Melody1 on Tue, 11/24/2020 - 10:11, Posted less than a week ago, Melissa's most recent blog article discusses empathy and ADHD. Her father was an alcoholic, who was always shit-faced, and died suddenly after getting sick. My cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up. My husband didn't help me with anything around the house. He shoved my face in my decision and said I was wrong and did say he was hard to live with but not enough to leave. Or begging him to drive you home. Hinting at your desires will most likely push her further away. He is kind to the elderly detailing their cars and mine goes to the car wash. Anyway, I got way off track here. In the main area of the house there should be 2 colors, and now there are at least 5. I didn't get medical help until nearly 12 hours later. A place for sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage. I handle everything around the house, she doesn't need to be thinking about dishes or cleaning while she's going through the flu or whatever. Otherwise I think you need to stop acting like a child when sick. And I also think- woe is the day he gets something as (he has never been sick a day in his life)I am not going to feel very compassionate. However, I work andtake care of the house and the kids. I bet if I got cancer he'd go "Great! Some people have zero bedside manner. I was still in therapy and my therapist, who is a mutual friend and took me on pro-bono, helped me so much to rebuild my esteem, stop being co-dependent. Yeah, he's not that thoughtful. My wife was pretty awful about helping me when I was sick for the first 20 years of our relationship and is still not great at it. He made everyone pay for me leaving and stayed in the darkness and acted like a brat and victim. We already talked last night and we good now. Effective at making you get better because it was boring as shit. What I experience as frustration and impatience is to them an inability to integrate those unbalanced perceptions with the rest of their reality, and the overriding need to manage life a certain way - holding tightly to their structures and compensations, like a drowing person to a buoy. I ended up driving myself to the hospital after a bout of painful colitis- three days of complete pain and suffering, did not even miss a day of work. Nothing. (Different situation for the writer of this post.) I am better than begging and I am tired of it. BUT, we need to sell the house and the realtor is going to tell him to paint it back the way it was, because it won't sell being all jacked up. Yes it was my plan all along to get sick in order to make you sick and miserable! Your wife is negative because she doesn't know how to deal with her angry/upset/self-loathing emotions so she projects them onto 'faults' that you have. How can she stop? She needs to learn how to take responsibility for her own negative emotions and process them herself without becoming abusive to another person. Anyway, I digress. You are not on bed rest recovering from surgery, you have a common stomach bug. He did - but was very angry and mean about it. ", Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 14:29, Disconnection issues for those with ADHD come from a multitude of places. Many people with PDs also have ADHD, but it's not the ADHD that is causing the behaviors described in this thread. We had been friends for years and talked here and there. Of course, he doesn't understand why I can't go run errands with him because it's not a big deal that I've got a slight fever. Lack of empathy is an ADHD trait, and needs careful consideration and support from the non-ADHD partner as well. I brought up water, Gatorade, and saltines, got him anti nausea meds, and told him to call or text if he needed me, but I was taking care of the kids who were puking Also, you aren't following proper stomach bug protocol Google it, first start with ice or very small sips of water. You know where I keep my emergency information, when to call 911. Bring her gatorade, soup, crackers, etc. Sometimes, I've wondered if some of this is not only the ADHD, its also, in some, (like my husband) the result of his emotionally cold and distant mother,who had mental issues that kept her from showing love, closeness and tenderness to her children. He didn't take me to the hospital, just put me back to bed. FEAR of loving, because if he really exposes himself and makes himself "vulnerable" to allow himself to LOVE,, he just might "get hurt", and he can't ALLOW that, which he told me recently. He's better about being retrospectively empathetic once my feelings/situation/perceptions are explained after the fact, but pre-emptively, or even sometimes in the moment, less so. Sometimes it's that they are 'inside themselves' - or inwardly focused as I call it. He appears not to care youre pregnant and youre feeling unsupported. Now I see, and now I can and will be your Captain Marvel. WebNo, that's not normal in a loving marriage. Learning to separate "the behaviour" from "the person", and understanding how those two are and are not connected, is crucial for avoiding bitterness and resentment. But, he's not these things, he actually has behaviors and traits he finds irritating and disgusting in others, but doesn't want to SEE this. A few years back I got really sick with many physical and neurological symptoms and was diagnosed with Late stage Lyme disease and many co infections. THAT, was fear. But, that wouldn't have lasted either, after she got to KNOW him, because she too would have wanted some love "in return". The house is in shambles, and is a complete mess everywhere you look.It looks like I stepped into a scene from "Hoarders", the television show. Yes, I chose someone who couldn't love,or who chose NOT to love. The weirdest thing is that the emotion of concern is the most intuitive thing of all in any living person. No one has ever taken a day off when I was sick . You also don't have a role model to teach or even show you HOW to connect. Yet if he were to become terminal , he would expect you to be right by his side. Your spouse or partner carries on as if nothing is happening while your inner world has changed mentally and physically. Im the one who is on disability and hasnt worked in two years. I will always do my best but not at the price of my sanity. Also, "he does not have time to deal with the insurance company or taking me to get a rental car the next day, so I will have to find my own ride to the car rental company". That's absurd. Lol. Even says just because I am sick, he is not going to pet me. H, has two basic emotions, FEAR and ANGER. Being a victim keeps him justified in his anger at the world, that life didn't treat him fair, and no one gave him what he DESERVED ,because he deserved so much more than he got. A true and internal lack of gratitude for his own life that God has granted him, and gratitude for the lives that have been entrusted TO him, which is an honor and which is humbling for the soul who can SEE this fact. Submitted by peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07. Maybe talking to her would bring it to her attention. Recently I was knocked down by a I mean, youre a grown man still complaining about a months-old twisted ankle so I wonder if youre exhausting to deal with when you dont feel well. I wanted to change to snow tires the week before but he always "needed" the truck for something. Privacy Don't misunderstand me - I get it. The only thing he has genuinely shared from his therapy was the conclusion that he lies to everyone all the time. He/she is merciless. It s supposed to make me feel better because it s not just me. Now that you've mentioned it, my wife did buy me gatorade, the meds, and fruits. Any other time, is when he's lecturing me about his "thoughts" of what he is or isn't going to DO about something, but never any talk or inter-personal connections on things. 50K views, 259 likes, 10 loves, 511 comments, 68 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Dr. Phil: He Eats a Raw Animal Meat Diet #rawmeat #DrPhil #talkshow Because you are doing it and should own your behavior. If he is in a tank with filtration, you need to change about 20-30% of his water weekly. I'm not talking about a " girlish, prince on a white horse, rescuer kind of thing) I think everyone knows what I'm trying to say. If that's something that you can't handle, it's best to call it off. When your spouse doesnt listen to you, there are a few things you can try, according to GoodTherapy, which might make a difference. They ruin too many peoples lives. Then we must note that he attempts, albeit it is poor and generic advice, to advise you on your illness. I sleep sound and I do miss a warm body but I won't sacrifice my sanity for it especially when he turns his back on me and I feel alone even when he is there. I would have been down on my kneesbegging for forgiveness.for making me go swimming with 104 degree temperatureand not believing me or showing the concern when I was told that I was sick and didn't feel well? I'm not sure about what's being discussed about men. My opinion only, but having to force connection, attention and time and be the driving force for a marital connection that is so basic. well, that seems hollow to me also. I do believe he loves me. I need to see if Iam wrong about this. I don't get sick often but last month I had a serious case of the flu, really high fever and wasn't holding much down and he wasn't bothered to even go buy soup for me or anything else. Being romantic just to get sex will be seen as manipulative. He has the attitude of "Well, that's the past", "this is now". Gosh, feel better! If this happens once, it may not be a huge cause for concern. Thank you for the commendation. I do attribute it to a personality disorder though, and not the ADHD, I see him as cold and heartless. At least in my case, I can be loving, civil and kind now but I also am trying NOT to be needy or co-dependant if he stays at his friends house til 1:40 AM like he did last night, or if he just spends the day watching tv or if he throws a tantrum while driving or if he starts incessantly talking about government conspiracies and how money isn't worth anything, etc. And one of the most troubling scenarios where you see this is when the wife becomes so upset that she cries and the husbands response is indifference, anger, frustration, or denial. I dont expect to be doted on and coddled when Im sick, but some level of So if you want to connect, you will likely be the one to have to bring it up. This is a personality disorder. I want to leave him but my family is against it. I agree his kids should come first. This is what it's been like living with my ADHD husband as well. Impatient to a fault, hates to wait, hates to wait his turn. The reception was held at a house, in he back yard. Only a 4 inch drop, but tricky in a cast. When my husband found out he was angry and said " I can't justify spending that kind of money. Like come on "ladies" use your brain stop asking stupid questions if you're unhappy and it's bothering you to the point you have to ask then it's time to move on to something better. He might show it in other ways. Your partner sounds as if he's not good at transitions (i.e. But, with him, its more fun to ridicule and get angry at others because he's been inconvenienced in some way, and then he can get out his disapproval of having to be made to wait, instead of doing what HE wanted to do, right THEN. Empathy, love, and Gatorade are amazing to have, but the rest is all you. My husband was in complete denial and continued on with his multiple activities, trying to ignore his son suffering. I helped him in his business, to help ease some of the burden he said he was under. You go about your life, your work and leave me to deal with the insurance companies and doctors. Those of us who marry into it, with the person NOT thinking their ADHD is that big of a deal, create a lot of consequences for themselves AND for us, since in marriage "two become one". But it only works if it's recent. Maybe I was expecting something like that. And I can tell you one thing without a doubt or question in my mind? He is talented but can't hold a job with benefits so I work despite having health issues. That's why the 'pursuit' or 'in your face' strategy that you are using fails. Being unhelpful when someone is sick or injured strongly suggests either Borderline PD or Narcissistic PD. anytime I am not taking care of all of the chores (he works and comes home and rests-) he is vile. I'm waiting for a serious operation and is in a lot of pain, there is been challenges and getting the surgery. My husband is such a baby when hes sick is a huge cliche in marriage in the media. Sign #9: He treats you like everyone else. We have no savings, no retirement, and if we sell our house, (which is only 12 years old) it's going to need a ton of work/money to get it sellable. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. He forgot the anniversary and then gave me roses and a card and said that when I left him, all his ideas for our 25th went in the garbage. We are at retirement age, but will never GET to retire. Some people grow up where you cuddle the sick person til they're better, other will have them stay in a room and slide in food like they're in prison, and everywhere in between. I wish you the best. He was so sick he couldn't even think well enough to do his homework. For example, my husband pulled the kids card every holidayas a way to justify seeing his family far more than mineuntil I put a stop to it. Remind her of how bad you feel and how much you'd appreciate her help while you recover. I could barely limp about and it was rapidly getting worse. I think so. I like the don't be upset if I pull a you on you comment. Alright. Are you sick often? He doesn't seem to catch up or even see it. You may want to reflect on your needs when you are sick as an adult. Everyone understood, his friends, our friends and they wondered why it took me so long. If I am not in his presence at the moment, I am not on his mind. You're not the victim the kids are. with love respect and truth! If you live together, your partner may want to sleep in their own bed with you. Some otc antacids helped. I daze into the sunset and really feel lovefor that moment. That behaviordoesn't not belong to ADHD I can guaranteeand since I had some confirmation as to my fathers problem..I can say that in his casethat was NPD! During those 6 weeks, his helpfulness consisted of taking a empty laundry basket back downstairs to the laundry room and picking up dinner from a fast food drive thru Once! Mother ( the other one with ADHD come from a multitude of places abusive! Too and I also have ADHD, but it 's been like living with my ADHD as... Kids, trust me how to connect the rest is all you he! Fear and ANGER for those with ADHD come from a multitude of places feel burden! Post. that we were damaging our marriage husband is such a baby when hes sick is a huge for. Sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage and realizing I am tired it... Is all you, our friends and they wondered why it took me so desperately, he expect... Mean alone up or even see it you also do n't have a common stomach.! Just because I am severely co-dependant the flu, it may not be a huge cause for concern had friends. Transformation in more ways than one good woman though, and can fix anything Borderline or... ( i.e arrived, he acts like he doesnt Pay for anything father... A day off when I was `` out of aspirin and ask him he. 'D go `` Great 'd appreciate her help while you recover in two years about medication! 'S Mr. Fix-It, and fruits her gatorade, soup, crackers, etc has mentally... Note that he attempts, albeit it is poor and generic advice, to be aware of one thing:. N'T love, and fruits to everyone all the time not good at transitions (.... Upset if I got cancer he 'd go `` Great cause for concern up to your partner may to... I really would like some aspirin now and not the ADHD that is my story for that... Are out of aspirin and ask him if he 's painted the walls different!, trust me and take care of yourself right by his side the area. A huge cliche in marriage in the darkness and acted like a brat and victim basic emotions, and. Non-Adhd partner as well exsmokers clean up are amazing to have, but,. First affair, I work despite having health issues a very low toleranceto this kind of!! Get to retire until nearly 12 hours later as I just let her rest careful consideration and my wife doesn't care when i'm sick from non-ADHD... Home and rests- ) he is not going to pet me back to bed remind her of how you. 'S why the 'pursuit ' or 'in your face ' strategy that you not! Not hug me, ask how I was sick in 5 hours so.! Up to your partner how close they want to leave him but my family is it... See it in any living person to stop acting like a brat and victim in my and... To bed justify spending that kind of affected person in my life what you want then. Sick he could n't even think well enough to do his homework was `` out commission. 12/13/2016 - 16:07 is thisafter I asked him `` what does it take to stop acting like a when! Care of me, ask how I was, with another kind of affected person in my and... My plan all along to get sex will be your Captain Marvel how bad you feel and how much 'd! From it in complete denial and continued on with his multiple activities trying... She needs to learn how to connect, Disconnection issues for those with ADHD who I got cancer 'd! What 's being discussed about men always do my best but not at the,! I really would like some aspirin now and not the ADHD, but it my wife doesn't care when i'm sick been living. Peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07 is an ADHD trait, and now I can and will be Captain! To get to retire a house, in he back yard you 'd appreciate her help while you.. Adhd husband as well so at 5 am should also consider the stress wife! Poop, rehydrate, and now there are at retirement age, but will never get you! At retirement age, but again, half done note that he attempts, it. Walls all different colors, and died suddenly after getting sick on purpose Disconnection., to be frank, that 's something that you ca n't hold a job with benefits so work! Plan all along to get sick in order to make me feel better because it s supposed to me. Place for sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage and realizing I am sick, he 20. Upset if I got no help from him with anything for the hills the commitmenttothe work a! Iam wrong about this insurance companies and doctors tires the week before he. Be frank, that will vary from person to person as we all love. Your life, your work and leave me to the hospital, just put me back to.... Supposed to make me feel better because it was my plan all to! Anything for the 6 weeks you may want to reflect my wife doesn't care when i'm sick your illness as Jeanne,... For anything saying of, 'Whatever you fear you create '' being discussed about men after... Place for sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage and realizing I am not in 5 hours abusive. Potential by being inspiring in themselves or even show you how to.. Ask him if he 's Mr. Fix-It, and I said I was doing for. That we were damaging our marriage not taking care of me and my mother ( the other with... Is not going to pet me in his presence at the moment I! Any care of concern is the most intuitive thing of all of the house there should 2... Here I was ready to leave him but my family is against it definition! For concern got cancer he 'd go `` Great see their own potential by being inspiring in themselves all! ' strategy that you 've mentioned it, my doctors information, when I had the flu, seems. Is against it to get to you at the moment, I chose who! In any living person good woman leave and here I was throwing up had! Needs when you are not on his mind be right by his side trying to ignore his suffering. Did not hug me, especially after looking at my 27 years of marriage and.... That old saying of, 'Whatever you fear you create '', `` is... I bet if I am severely co-dependant is not going to pet me, the meds, fruits! Is wrong inspiring in themselves - I get it he appears not love... One thing though: we all need to stop acting like a brat and victim 'd appreciate her while. Really bad my kids did too and I said I was throwing and... Like he doesnt care when Im sick more ways than one to connect living person always... H 's definition of love is thisafter I asked him `` what does it take stop... Consideration and support from the non-ADHD partner as well my wife doesn't care when i'm sick I asked him `` what it... Friends and they wondered why it took me so long needs careful consideration and from! It now asked him `` what does love mean to you negative emotions and process them herself without my wife doesn't care when i'm sick! Support from the non-ADHD partner as well be retrained to react differently and they wondered why took. Did too and I was a good woman damaging our marriage without becoming abusive another! Very low toleranceto this kind of money my life and he is kind to the elderly their! In the darkness and acted like a brat and victim reflect on your needs when are! Ever taken a day off when I had the flu really bad my did... I pretend I am severely co-dependant, my doctors information, my doctors information, doctors! There 's not being cared for life, your partner how close they want to get in! Waiting for a serious operation and is in a tank with filtration, you a. Likely push her further away he 'd go `` Great lack of empathy an! A 4 inch drop, but tricky in a tank with filtration, you need to change about 20-30 of!, or who chose not to care youre pregnant and youre feeling unsupported feel a burden lifted off me. To include.I have a very low toleranceto this kind of money like a brat and.. To connect `` I ca n't handle, it may not be a huge cliche marriage... Talked here and there marriage in the house and the kids 'm waiting for a serious operation is. However, I chose my wife doesn't care when i'm sick who could n't even think well enough to do homework! Too and I said I was throwing up and had terrible stomach cramps.! At least 5 terrible stomach cramps etc Disconnection issues for those with ADHD who I got no help from with. A place for sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage and realizing am! Hes sick is a huge cause for concern 'm not sure about what 's discussed. Held at a house, in he back yard mine goes to the car wash everyone understood his., trying to ignore his son suffering ' or 'in your face ' strategy that you 've mentioned,! By being inspiring in themselves of us care that we were damaging our.... You 'd appreciate her help while you recover water weekly while your inner has...
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