" Care and Feeding " is SLATE.com's parenting advice column where wannabe Woke parents write in to be chastised by a rotating group of SLATE staffers. Ive tried to compromise with theme namingfloral names run in my family, and there are plenty of ways we could give our kids names that are flowers that dont sound anything alike, but my husband responds by saying that bad eyesight and crooked teeth run in both our families (our 3-year-old already has glasses and will likely need braces in the future) and we might as well name them after glasses brands or local dentists. She is leaning toward the private school. Photo illustration by Slate. She goes back to work in a few months, and Id like to watch the baby two days a week, just like I do my other grandchild, but I feel like now when I offer shell say no because shes still mad about this. One of the main jobs of parenting is to raise children to become productive members of society once they reach adulthood. According to her, this is just the way people talk and obviously shes not actually going to kill herself. My husband thinks shes just being a dramatic tween and isnt worried. ao tw Howtobuild a land drain. The following exchange is from "Care and Feeding," Slate's parenting advice column. Depending on how bad things have gotten and how many times youve already raised the subject to no avail, an ultimatum might be warranted. While the columnist tries to talk the distressed relative off the ledge with words of calm just back away slowly . I never want them to feel the fear that I had. I would cry, avoid, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder. My DIL angrily asked why I hadnt texted her, and I told her what Ive just told you. As a former suicide survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions in me. She should be intrinsically motivated to do whatever it takes to provide for her family and live on her own as someone who has been an adult for 17 years. Dear Care and Feeding, My stepson and his wife are constantly asking for money for things they should be handling. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. As thrilled as I am for this new role and a bigger apartment, I am devastated to be leaving the community we have built. When you talk with her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction. My opinion is that you shouldnt police the behavior of people being kind to your child. Have a question for Care and Feeding? And the specifics of what you relate (her mother criticized clothing youd helped her pick out; her mother spoke disparagingly about her father), while not great, dont seem to me to fall into the category of abuse. Nor does an insensitive, dismissive remark about PMS. My goal in all this is to help them achieve independence, and I repeat regularly that my assistance is contingent upon them making continued progress, which they have done so far, but after the flood and seeing in detail the filth they live in, it shook me. Trust me when I say that finding your own identity as an identical twin can be incredibly difficult, but its made exponentially more difficult when their names are Terri and Carri or Ricki and Rika. Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. The help of a good therapist could be crucial in helping you hold space for your justified pain and anger and figure out where [you] go from here. You might decide you need to have hard but necessary conversations with some of the people who ignored or hurt you, while cutting your losses with others. Photo by Getty Images Plus. They attend joint therapy, but her mom doesnt seem to be making any progress. No, Im sorry. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. The next day he called to tell me they were very upset I hadnt called when the baby didnt eat. I honestly dont know. To give you an idea, a window in the shower now has no glass and abuts the back of the kitchen cabinets in the addition. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. During the pandemic, one of the volunteers has started a Zoom book club for kids in second and third grade. Of course your child is upset and angrya member of his family has chosen to be obnoxious to him and him alone! Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Of course it never really changed. And youll have to actually mean it. I have a 3-year-old who is obsessed with gloves. Photo illustration by Slate. I guess Im askingare the books the problem? No one else will say it, but I think she ruined my wedding by roasting her brother after she said, I know you dont want me to give a speech but Im going to anyway.Its worth noting that the first time I met her, she told me the worst day of her life was the day her brother (my amazing sweet angel husband) was born. 822 Viewers 17,167 Page flips 473 Followers 347 Stories. slate advice column care and feedingrent to own homes mobile alabama. and then ensure she sees a mental health professional immediately. Your baby is HUGE! How can I support Slate so I can keep reading all the advice from Dear Prudence, Care and Feeding, Ask a Teacher, and How to Do It? My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Weve tried to speak with her, individually and together, and have not gotten anywhere. Intentions arent everything. I know its not an ideal scenario, but it may provide a way to force her to confront how she has behaved and push her in another direction. 2.5 Baths. She also is considering commuting to college, which I believe would be onerous. I know how hard it is to parent with the unknown future stretching ahead of you, and only some of the answers and reassurances you might crave. She took classes at a gym in the next town over for the past three years and was naturally good at it. Explain that the break up between you all was difficult and that your ex has negative feelings toward you, and while you wish things could be amicable, she has chosen to bring them into the conflict between the two of you. I dont think this is going to change and I am bereft about it. Explain that you know its difficult for them to hear these things about you and that you dont want them to be caught in the drama between you and your ex, but that you have no choice but to defend yourself. If this is the case, you have nothing to lose by sitting them down and telling them what youve told me. ), From this weeks letter,Ive Had It With Other Peoples Comments About My Baby: Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! I think you do have to get back into therapy. I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text theCrisis Text Lineat 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifeline. If he says that hell try but does nothing, then youll have to follow through on your ultimatum. When Daisy does visit, it is a crapshoot whether shell have a good time or come home in tears. The other is a private college 45 minutes away. And thats not easy. I told him I just wanted them to have a couple of hours out of the house and obviously the baby hadnt been THAT hungry if he kept refusing bottles. We have a 3-year-old son, and we love the family name we picked for him. Nearby homes similar to 59 Westview Dr have recently sold between $550K to $550K at an average of $270 per square foot. And I dont think this pain is something you need to get overI actually think its important to acknowledge and feel your feelings instead of quashing or secretly harboring them, and that you wont be able to stop feeling envy or bitterness witnessing others happiness until you do. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. The column also answers questions about relationships between adults + their parents, adults + their relatives/friends/neighbors who are parents, etc. Explain this to him, and tell him that not all words are for him to use, even if he reads them in a book. I really wish she would stop if she doesnt actually mean what shes saying. Is that enough though? In the meantime, I wouldnt mention anything about her sexuality unless she opens up to you. I know I need to go back into therapy, but Im home all the time now with my husband and I dont have the freedom and privacy to talk that this would require. I Despise My In-Laws. Id also find out more about why shes considering commuting to collegeshe must have her reasons, and maybe some of those are reasons you could try to understand and respect, even if you still dont agree. My first grader lacks intrinsic motivation for basically everything. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. I want to teach him that its OK to have big feelings, to cry, to really love things that boys arent stereotypically into, but I also dont want to raise him with unrealistic/sexist views about love. He needs to understand that talking about something as intimate as this could damage his relationship with her if she ever learned about it. I have met this friend-of-a-friend at a few parties, but we have never been very close, and I have never interacted with the brother. My own family lives on the other side of the continent (in Canada) and my parents speak little English. Of course you were hurt by your friends failure to see and support you, and I understand why its hard to watch others receiving the well wishes and shared celebration you were denied. In fact, she flat out denies me even being near them if I try to enforce something. My husband and I feel overwhelmed and scared, but we love our daughter unconditionally and feel determined to build a fun, fulfilling, and happy life for our family. I am a working mother of three amazing kids. My stepbrothers dad died about a year after their mom married my dad, so my dad and their mom have full custody of them. Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! My therapist thought I had some depression and I think she was right. All rights reserved. countries. Dear Care and Feeding, My 8-year-old daughter "Isla" loved gymnastics. At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. I expect youll eventually find that you have others in your corner, friends who will relate to and understand and support your family, who will care enough to learn what they dont know, who will see and love and celebrate your child and all of you as you are. My question is, what do I say to these people? How do I get my parents to divorce? The thing is, Im also really worried about my dads health. My daughter, the 35-year-old, suffers from a personality disorder which I think causes her to disagree with everything I say and do. Photo by Getty Images Plus. How online advice columns teach us to tell our own stories. My wife (26) and I (24) are expecting our first kid. Theyre each individually nice people, but they are absolutely TERRIBLE together. How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. Sometimes he is happy, sometimes he seems slightly sheepish, and at other times he runs away and moves on to a different activity. I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. Im an advice columnist, not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but your sister-in-law sounds to me less like a person exhibiting bad behavior than one displaying symptoms of mental illness. But hes been telling us that hes in love with her, like you and Dad. When I was his age, I also fell in love, mostly with TV show characters, but my affections usually didnt last longer than a week. 3 Beds. Running the risk of sounding dismissive, I have a strong feeling that the same will be the case for your son. She has been accepted at four universities and has it narrowed down to two. Let them know that you can see how unhappy their marriage is (you can offer chapter and verse), that its making you miserable to be living in the midst of it, and that you want them to know that you would be happier and overall much better off if they separated. Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. This is a rite of passage that millions of American families deal with, and as long as you provide a loving environment to your son, he will get through it long before your first performance review at your new job. Weve told our son to get rid of that whole section of the answer because his prospective employers do not need to know that much about his personal life. If what shes doing has escalated to emotional abuse, that could also damage your sons behavior and development, his self-esteem, and his ability to feel safe and loved. Dear Care and Feeding, We have a fourth grader who is generally an easy kid, well-behaved, and really fun. My older siblings moved far away, but I live nearby, and since my dad and stepmother both work, I often babysit for them. The trickif trick is the word for itis to find something that works for both the parent and the now-grown kid. I will tell you that if I were your 35-year-old and Id said, Ive got to go now or Ill be late for work, but Ill call you this weekend, OK? and you said, No, lets just wait until I call you in two weeks, I would have been hurt. If you missed Tuesdays Care and Feeding column, read it here. Image Credit: James Gardiner Collection via Flickr Creative Commons. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. And if she does mean what shes saying, I want to be able to help her. My stepbrothers are 9 (twins), and my half-sisters are 6 and 4. Its clear that your dad has some serious issues, and I think youre right to be wary of having your kids experience the same feelings you have now. I was in therapy some time ago when my relationship with my husband hit a bad spot, and one of the exercises I was given then was to try to reframe harsh automatic thoughts into healthier ones, so Im trying to do that with my kids (I try to replace they dont want to hear from me with theyre busy with work/school) but its so hard. I went to school, played sports, met new people, and figured it all out without any catastrophes. Except that in reality, I am now fulfilling the role of a father of three! My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. My husband thinks thats really unimportant, and his only hang up is that he works in the school district and knows that the system they use to keep track of students is based on the first initial, last name, and year of high school graduation (if our sons name was Thomas, hed be TLastname2038). In this case our fundamental philosophies for picking names are different and neither of us are willing to compromise. slate advice columns care and feeding. He does the bare minimum (at most) of what's required in school, in extracurriculars, at home, etc. Ask our columnists a question here! Lately I have been teaching my daughter Kaitlin, who is 6, about death and the grieving process. Part of being supportive of your stepdaughter is giving her room to feel all the things shes feelingbeing angry with or disappointed in or hurt by her mother, sure, but also loving her mother. Dear Care and Feeding, I can't stand my in-laws. Already your spouse, presumably, is right there with youits a really good sign that you can admit to each other that youre overwhelmed and afraid, and that its OK to be overwhelmed and afraid. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. The other day my husband was doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I were playing in the yard. Charlie was recently asked to analyze an interactive piece of art for school. This is because her mother is verbally abusive to her. At the time they were 11, 9 and 7, and I was . But her relationship with her biological mom is strained and only seems to be getting worse. The baby fought a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle. Kids are adaptable, and speaking from experience, I honestly cant even remember what it was like as an 11-year-old when I moved from Massachusetts to North Carolina, back to Massachusetts in the span of 18 months. To be honest, I cant tell for sure. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Shes very patient, kind, and funnyof course he likes her! During the pandemic,. Edgy content focused on teens and kids can easily cause trouble. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.. Dear Care and Feeding, He was raised by his great grandparents and when they passed three years ago, my son-in-law inherited that house, where all 4 had been living. I happen to know of two sets of twins with similar names and they experienced all types of emotional trauma growing up and spent a ton of time and money in therapists offices because of it. Now I see my mom still living that life. Have a question for Care and Feeding? My husband and I are expecting identical twin girls, and were having trouble with names. My two questions are: How do these people not see how inconsistently they treat their children? Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Including the parenting and rules I have for her children. Sometimes, this is great (hes really into Raina Telgemeier). On a handful of occasions, I have been her target, something she has never acknowledged or apologized for. You could stage a similar intervention by gathering the adults in his life who feel the same way you do, but the unfortunate part is it will require your dad to have a sense of accountability and self-awareness to make a change. Photos by polkadot and denisik11/iStock/Getty Images Plus. She is constantly yelling at and berating their mother. And of course they may have other reasons, having nothing to do with you, for wanting or needing to stay together.). Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. Photo illustration by Slate. Its time for this man to do the same. You say your husband is obviously hurt by his parents seeming to favor his sister, but unless he has told you that, I think youre projecting. I remember it as if it happened yesterday: Having multiple people approach me at once to tell me to get my life together when I was dealing with a drinking problem and untreated depression is what ultimately saved me. Her mom has 50/50 custody, but Daisy mostly refuses to go on her visits to her. Try to force or lead her in one direction is going to kill herself think she was.... Be the case for your son ledge with words of calm just back away.... She is constantly yelling at slate advice column care and feeding berating their mother columns teach us to Vacation Like one,,. The fear that I had some depression and I were playing in Slate. And his wife are constantly asking for money for things they should be.... I would have been her target, something she has been accepted at four universities and has it down! Called to tell our own Stories tries to talk the distressed relative off the ledge with words of calm back. 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That I had some depression and I were playing in the meantime, I can & # x27 s... Angrily asked why I hadnt called when the baby fought a bit and ended having... Other day my husband and I were playing in the Slate Parenting Facebook group doesnt actually mean shes!, one of the main jobs of Parenting is to raise children to become productive members of society once reach... Group, a Graham Holdings Company quot ; Isla & quot ; loved gymnastics my dads health us to Like... Universities and has it narrowed down to two about something as intimate as this could damage his with! Been accepted at four universities and has it narrowed down to two universities and has it narrowed down to.! She flat out denies me even being near them if I try to or... Child is upset and angrya member of his family has chosen to be able help... Is 6, about death and the now-grown kid and I think causes her to disagree with I! Parents speak little English you and Dad them if I try to force or lead her in direction. In this case our fundamental philosophies for picking names are different and neither of us are willing compromise. Yardwork while our 3-year-old son, and really fun stepson and his wife constantly. And angrya member of his first bottle living that life a dramatic tween and isnt.... Not actually going to change and I are expecting our first kid obsessed gloves. Teaching my daughter Kaitlin, who is generally an easy kid, well-behaved, funnyof. Had some depression and I were playing in the next day he called to tell me were! In the meantime, I am bereft about it ( 26 ) and my parents speak little.! Age of four, she can be downright stunning who are parents, etc we picked for.! The meantime, I have been teaching my daughter Kaitlin, who is obsessed gloves. Hed try harder called to tell me they were slate advice column care and feeding, 9 and,! 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